Despite the majority of people in Britain (about 52%) being quite clear what Brexit means – Brexit means Brexit – quite lot of people (allegedly, anything up to 48% of the population) claim that it does not mean this, although there is a lack of clarity about what they think it does mean.
It has been suggested that the best way of resolving this is simply to ask them, with some kind of national questionnaire, or ‘referendum’ as technical experts call it, adding ‘What could possibly go wrong?’.
It has been decided not simply to ask citizens ‘What do you think Brexit means’ and provide them with a large, blank sheet of paper, a pencil and a pencil sharpener. This is partly because it would discriminate against the illiterate, and partly on on environmental grounds, since this could lead to several forests being felled in order to provide enough pieces of paper.
Instead, voters will be presented with a list and asked to tick the box against the answer which most closely corresponds to their own view. The options would be as follows:
– Not Brexit
– Just a little bit Brexit
– Almost Brexit
– Slightly Brexit
– Absolutely, utterly and completely total Brexit immediately and for ever and ever
– Pretty much Brexit, most of the time
– More-or-less Brexit, some of the time
– Completely and utterly not the slightest bit Brexit in any shape or form, now or ever
– Can I phone a friend? Stop pissing about. This is a very serious matter
– just a teeny weeny little bit Brexit, for a short time, like 5 seconds or so
– I don’t know Just answer the question. You’re not getting out of this polling station until you’ve ticked at least one of the boxes.
– Well, what’s all this ‘Backstop’ malarky then? FFS just answer the question you troublemaker
– Can I take lucky dip? No
– Can I go 50-50? NO. How may more times – just answer the bloody question
– None of the above
– All of the above
– What was the question again?
– It’s perfectly simple – Brexit means ooh look a squirrel!
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There have been objections to this referendum being called ‘A Second Referendum’, but all such complaints have been satisfactorily resolved by, instead, calling it ‘A Third Referendum’.