A Number 10 civil servant said: ‘having a meaningful vote is pointless and, let’s face it, dull as f**k. We’re pretty sure this idea will shake things up and at least garner some public interest.’
‘The PM’s been binge-watching ‘Game of Thrones’ – ahead of the much anticipated last series – while her waxwork attended pointless meetings in Brussels – 14th April is the crucial date facing the country, she keeps saying. She announced the decision after yet another ball-shrinkingly tedious cabinet meeting. The PM just stood up, banged the table and said, ‘when you play the Institutions of the European Union you win, or you die’.’
‘She then calmly said, ‘guards’ and stormed out. I assume she meant me. The PM then ordered all her ministers to ‘bend the knee,’ swear allegiance to her, defender of the four kingdoms, not including Scotland or Northern Ireland or Wales, come to think of it.’
‘She’s ordered the Queen’s parliamentary throne to be moved into the commons next to a bejewelled gold goblet that she has decreed must be filled with wine after every kill.’
The new ‘hand of the PM,’ David Livington read out a scroll of the various bouts to the gathering media. No real surprises. Jacob Rees-Mogg vs Vince Cable looks a tame affair but could be unexpectedly brutal – and Amber Rudd vs Dianne Abbott could have a real edge to it.
Due to the high levels of demand to be their opponents, Chris Grayling and Michael Gove are just to be sacrificed in advance.