Doctors somewhere in England have confirmed that 46-year-old Billy Brittain is still suffering from the world’s most devastating mid-life crisis, barely two weeks before a target date they set to either cure him or send him off to Dignitas to end his suffering humanely. The condition actually appears to have worsened into a case of multiple personality disorder.
Brittain abruptly decided to leave his wife Europa in 2016 and since then has repeatedly been seen on street corners drunkenly shouting at passers-by that Europa had stopped him having any fun and that he would ‘leave the fucking bitch without a penny’. However, he has remained in a partly sealed-off part of the family home, demanding occasional sex, on the basis that his grandfather once helped rescue hers from a punch-up in the 1940s.
‘It’s a tragic case of schizophrenia,’ said Dr Robert Peston. ‘Brittain seems to be dominated by one of his personalities, a rude, aggressive sponger he calls ‘Nigel’, who is constantly traducing his poor wife to her face in public. Then at other times, a second personality called ‘Jock’ seems to come through, telling him that he should stay with Europa, if only because he can’t afford a divorce when the only job options for him is working in a call centre.’
Europa for her part has remained wearily tolerant, saying that she accepts the marriage is probably over but is unwilling to give Brittain equal custody of the bank accounts. ‘I earned 85% of it. after all,’ she said. ‘In hindsight, I wish we had made a pre-nup, but there you go. But if he thinks he can take it all and flounce off with some younger model from Asia, he’s got another think coming.’
Brittain, however, remains defiant: ‘The miserable cow thinks I can’t find any better, does she? Well just you wait and see – I’ve already been sending dick pics to a hot 38-year-old in the Faeroe Islands, and if that doesn’t work out there’s an even tastier bit of stuff in Singapore whose well into my Toblerone stands, if you get my drift. So stuff her – if she wants me out, I’ll just sleep on Don America’s couch for a bit. He got separated from his wife Reality a few years ago and he’s made everything great again already.’