David Blaine to take over at Facebook


Mark Zuckerberg is to replace Chris Cox as Facebook chief product officer with man of mystery David Blaine as the company prepares to face MPs in a parliamentary inquiry into data abuse.

Zuckerberg, who took out full-page ads in UK and US newspapers recently to apologise for ‘not employing a more sophisticated method of stealing Facebook users’ data than using Cambridge Analytica’ is facing criticism from MPs for not attending the committee hearings in person. Zuckerberg’s lawyers have refuted the criticism by stating, ‘Mark would, but he’s not yet old enough to fly unaccompanied.’

As chief product officer, demi-god Blaine will have to answer tough questions on Facebook’s involvement in the harvesting and misuse of millions of people’s data concerning their evening meals and their friends of friends of friends of friends’ evening meals.

The problem for the committee will be that master of illusion Blaine plans to be tethered to a crucifix constructed from active smartphones and will attempt to hold his breath throughout the entire proceedings wearing a diver’s helmet full of vanilla custard. It’s understood that he will give full, frank and truthful answers telepathically via an eye painted on the palm of his hand.

With the event being streamed live on Facebook from a webcam secured to Blaine’s other hand, Zuckerberg has been asked if he is disrespecting the authority and integrity of the committee by treating the hearing as a massive PR stunt. He replied: ‘Watch The Social Network 2 and find out. By the way, can anyone tell me what a vagina is? I keep hearing so much about them.’

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Posted: Mar 18th, 2019 by

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