‘DUP leader Arlene Foster has announced that she senses it will soon be time for her to ‘treat herself’ to a new, capacious handbag with ‘a quiet air of victory’ about it. She told reporters: ‘Sure it’s got to be expensive but all the same it’s got to not look too expensive.’
‘I’m not usually a superstitious person’, she told the Belfast Reporter. ‘I leave that kind of nonsense to others if you know who I mean. We Unionists tend not to believe in show. And while my new handbag must be big enough to say ‘look at what we have achieved through quiet, determined, principled negotiation behind the scenes,’ it must not have a hint of triumphalism or glorifying of victory about it.’
She continued: ‘I’m looking for a Protestant handbag that suggests a capacity for sudden amounts of cash and the discretionary room for a small legally held firearm provided by an M15 man who goes not by a name, but a letter in the English Alphabet. But if this new handbag were to be searched by a Westminster security official or a guard at a border (the kind we can only talk about hypothetically) he would find only confidential ladies’ requisites in it, the Book of Common Prayer and perhaps a desperate tear-stained begging letter from Mrs May.
Asked when she might acquire the new handbag, Mrs Foster said ‘I’m not sure, but probably at the same time as we announce major infrastructure projects in an especially beautiful part of the United Kingdom. And I’m not ruling out shoes to match.’