Experts reveal major inefficiencies’ in Windsor-based family business


A study of one of Britain’s oldest business concerns has made a scathing attack on its archaic and inefficient practices. Its sheer inertia and lack of innovation have left it largely unchanged since around 1066.

Incredibly, the 92-year-old matriarch of the family is still conducting the day to day transactions while her 69-year-old son waits patiently to take over.  It’s believed he is eager to introduce some of his cutting edge ideas when his turn comes, such as boosting plant growth on their vast landholdings by means of ‘verbal encouragement’.

Many were hoping the mother would only stay on long enough to beat the 63-year record set by her great-great-grandmother.  She had been heard privately muttering: ‘Watch me push that jowly old sow out of the Guinness Book of Records’.  Yet she is still refusing to budge as she enters her 67th year on the job.

Observers have questioned whether any man who has been out of a job for as long as her son could be a safe pair of hands to take over such a lucrative business concern.  However, others in the know have explained that idleness is in fact the stock in trade of this company:  ‘I would describe forty years of unemployment as the best possible qualification for this particular CEO position,’ one recruitment expert is quoted as saying.  ‘I’d put it in bold print at the top of my CV if I were applying for the post’.

Meanwhile, the oldest male in the family shocked the nation last year with his abrupt resignation at the age of 96, prompting suspicions that some scandal had forced him to step down prematurely.  However, at a quiet press conference to mark the occasion, he showed the reasons were more mundane.  After the routine series of gaffes that left red-faced aides grabbing for the microphone switch, the Greek nonagenarian calmly explained that he decided to bow out while still in possession of his faculties and withdraw with dignity from public life.   ‘I don’t want to end up like the Rolling Stones’, he explained.

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Posted: Mar 21st, 2019 by

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