The company which supplies paddles that help rescue canoers and others from difficult situations which cause a public stink has ceased trading after reporting ‘turdulent marketing conditions.’ SCPC’s CEO Derek Smythe told reporters ‘Given recent events over the past year we expected much higher demand for our product than was actually realised, and we set to work to fulfil that predicted demand by increasing production in our Crapstone factory, in Devon.’ He went on to explain that the company was surprised to find an almost empty order book, despite what they thought would be a clear hike in demand for the product, ‘which turned out to be a lot of noise and hot air’ said Smythe.
‘Frankly, we watched in horror as trusted customers moved – deliberately it seemed – deeper and deeper into Shit Creek. We were astonished to find them refusing emergency offers of hygienic paddle-based rescue equipment even when things reached a total standstill. Things got especially difficult when our customers’ former friends and colleagues started to publicly shit in Shit Creek on a daily basis, making the Creek almost impassibly shittier. This shitting from the sidelines is still going on. It’s dire here.’
Negotiations started around the creation of an even stronger emergency paddle that could replace 0.01% of the jobs lost in the motor industry. But yesterday the Shit Creek Board conceded in an open-air meeting that their major customers were now so far up Shit Creek that a reliable source of paddles could not be guaranteed, leaving the company facing ‘horrifically smelly liquidation’ of the kind that could affect the whole nation. ‘It’s now too late for people to hold their noses and beg us for help,’ said Smythe.
Smethurst and Co, who are in charge of the liquidation of the whipped-cream-based Patisserie Valueless chain have been linked with a rescue attempt of the Shit Creek Paddle Co. But CEO Valerie Smith – also known as ‘Patisserie Valerie’ said:
‘Although there are clear connections if not similarities in texture between the two companies, we’re not touching this one with a bargepole.’