Barista Tracey Collins, 23, from Droitwich, is looking forward to a life without having to pay tax after she realised that, just like TV host Lorraine Kelly, she too has to ‘put on a persona’ to do her job.
‘Lorraine said that the person you see on telly isn’t the real her’ said Ms Collins. ‘I thought she had an evil twin or something at first, but when she went into the details, it hit me: I’m just the same! At work I smile at complete strangers, take an interest in what they want to drink, and wish them a ‘nice day’ when actually I don’t give a toss. I’m not a coffee-grinding drudge who likes serving people, I’m an unrecognised yet brilliant video artist who craves only solitude. Let that sap who works in a dead end McJob pay the tax, I shouldn’t have to.’
Further reports indicate that the “#notmetoo” movement may be spreading beyond customer service roles to all areas of the economy. Jake Stevens, a junior IT technician in Hemel Hempstead, is considering claiming tax exemption because it’s a condition of his employment that he doesn’t beat his co-workers over the head when they try to engage him in pathetic office ‘bants’. ‘It was getting me down, putting up with these pillocks’ he confessed ‘but now I know I just need to register myself as a services company and bill StuffCo for the work provided by my legal persona, I go into work – sorry, visit my client’s offices – with a light heart. I even laughed at one of Nick’s crap jokes!’
Dr Hannah Greavesie, Professor of Employment Studies at Kidderminster University College Annex, explained: ‘millions of people’s jobs require that they perform what is technically called ’emotional labour': in other words, smiling sweetly while a customer whines about needing an upgrade to first class, or listening to a ‘hilarious’ anecdote from a co-worker, when what the useless bellends actually deserve is a slap in the face or in some cases a prison sentence. If this becomes grounds for tax exemption the consequences for public finances could be huge.
Greg Thompson, an HMRC official who goes by the stage name ‘Greg Thomson’, said ‘Until you can afford the kind of lawyers that ‘Lorraine Kelly’ can, you can all fuck right off.
‘I can’t be fired for saying that – it wasn’t me it was Greg.’