To completely not tackle the scourge of train delays, the railway watchdog will now say trains are just ‘fashionably late,’ as if they’re rocking up to a house party rather than causing major upheaval for millions of commuters.
A spokesperson said, “we can’t be arsed to do something about actual punctuality – we’ve decided just to eradicate the concept of ‘delay,’ like climate change and real news. Trains not showing up at the allotted time being just ‘fashionably late’ is no biggy and pretty cool.”
“Let’s face it, the guy who arrives first at a party is the freak from the office who defrosts dead rats in a microwave for his pet owls. It’s the absolute legend who turns up four hours late and off his tits that you’re bothered about.”
”We are also going to call major ticket hikes ‘doubling down,’ engineering works, ‘keeping it real’ and a lack of seats, where everyone’s packed in like sardines, ‘bowchikkawowow.’ That last one was mine.”
“We just made trains cool again. You. Are. Welcome.”