Worried about dissenting employees? Nervous about the competition? Want more respect in business? No problem! Just follow this handy guide.
Hold a ‘hand-kissing’ ceremony for all employees
Start as you mean to go on. Line up all of your employees and family (no favouritism!) to pay their respects by kissing your hand.
Helpful tip – sit in a un-necessarily big chair to maximise the effect.
Have a dimly lit office at all times
This has two benefits – it saves money and also presents an intimidating environment for non-performing employees and clients alike.
Helpful tip – allow sufficient skulking space behind the visitor’s chair for added sinister effect.
Drop the phrase ‘it’s not personal, it’s just business’ into every conversation
Casually dropping this into conversations with competitors has the usual effect of all meaningless corporate jargon but with the added benefit of actually scaring the bejesus out of the recipient.
Helpful tip- lingering eye contact while stubbing out a cigarette just after using the phrase heightens the effect.
Visit clients with an entourage of shifty looking men in fedoras
They often say first impressions in business is crucial. To secure that all important deal, when visiting clients, take along some grizzly looking bruisers in fedoras
Helpful tip – stand two at the door and one right next to you. If your client is wavering in a deal, cover your mouth and whisper something to the one next to you before sending him out the room.
If all else fails, follow up a cordial business meeting with a severed head of an animal
Some deals are just tough to get over the line. When you’ve hit stalemate leave, expressing courteous disappointment, then kick back with a whiskey while one of your minions sorts out a strategically placed animal’s head.
Helpful Tip – avoid a horse’s head in the bed. It’s a total business cliché these days
You’re all set – here’s to a prosperous future – let’s hope any attempts on your life are unsuccessful!