Millions of shocked Britons are looking for answers today after they learned their most intimate secrets were viewed and used for commercial gain by the veteran horoscope correspondent. Meg even brazenly gazes into their private lives in a crystal ball in her by-line photo.
By meticulous study of the movements of the sun and planets, it is believed the heavily made up Zodiac expert accumulated an unprecedented mass of private data on unsuspecting Sun readers. The sensitive details on record contain no fewer than 20 million revelations of ‘a mysterious stranger’ about to enter someone’s life and five million cases of ‘possible good news for someone close to you in the near future’.
Her fans are reeling at this betrayal. ‘I well remember in 1995 she told me there may be some good financial news in the offing, and sure enough I won £50 in the Lotto next day,’ recalled dumbfounded reader Muriel Fox of Bristol. ‘I thought little of it at the time, seeing as I blew all the money on more Lotto tickets, but I can see how sinister it is now. I feel a bit gullible, but then we Capricorns often are.’
However, others are more sanguine about the revelations. ‘If people reveal their star sign and their lucky number to all and sundry, what can they expect?’ asked Madeleine Enright of Liverpool. ‘Personally, I don’t care what Meg does as long as she didn’t sell any of my data to that Jonathan Cainer from the Daily Mail.’
Meg has issued a press release promising to refrain from any further intrusion into the lives of readers of Britain’s favourite tabloid. However, she could not resist regaling them with a few last predictions, that Facebook stock will probably drop further, England will not boycott the World Cup but their fans will be made to wish they had and it definitely won’t be The Sun’s fault when Brexit goes belly-up.
Meanwhile, the Sun is now advertising a new premium horoscope phone line staffed by a mysterious ‘Mystic Nix’. He promised to outperform all other horoscopes, ‘providing you with advice and predictions based on your voting records, credit rating, and those visits to the ladyboys.com website you thought you’d deleted from your browsing history’.