Unable to secure enough votes to be fired, the PM will have to take the unusual step of booking her own flight to Swiss Dignitas. Colleagues have noticed she is incapable to tying her own shoe laces, wiping her own nose and is no longer available as a brewery party planner.
Despite offering to resign if MPs support her Brexit deal, Mrs May has failed in failure – like Archduke Franz Ferdinand’s SatNav. Even the 1922 Committee insist that she is put out of her misery; involving a white screen, a bolt-gun and a trip to the local glue factory.
A colleague commented: ‘Why can’t she resign like a normal person? Get drunk at an office party, punch the Head of HR and steal all the stationery you can carry. What’s so hard about saying ‘I quit’? Her Cabinet do it all the time’.
Meantime Mrs May is left confusing the exit with a revolving door. Every attempt to leave is thwarted by her own stupidity – thus, she is becoming her own Brexit metaphor. ‘She’ll never leave, she’s always be there, just lurking beneath the surface. Basically May is like herpes – without the charm’.