European standards regulating the softness of toilet paper may mean Brexiteers wiping their bottoms on their own disused leaflets until new UK regulations can be put in place, if a hard Brexit goes through. In a complex calculation, the British Association of Toilet Tissue Suppliers said Britain was ‘awash’ with soft toilet paper that complies with European softness standards, in tests involving Labrador puppies and Lavatorial poopies.
The ERG demand a timetable for adjusting standards to fit the ‘public school’ criteria for toilet paper – which remainers say can be ‘punishingly hard and crinkly’. The timetable might look like this:
April 12th. Britain is divided about how to deal with a backlog of imports of ‘Eurosoft’ toilet-related goods. Hard Brexiteers denounce the soft Brexit paper solution and announce they will demonstrate sustainability by using their own campaign materials left over from the Vote Leave campaign instead.
April 14th. An extra-right wing group of ERG members, the ERGH (European Research Group Hardliners) refuse to wipe their bottoms on their own campaign promises of more money for the NHS and assurances of an easy motion from IN to OUT. The right wing press support this stand until it’s revealed many ERGH members are, as a result, using the Daily Telegraph as a substitute, with Boris Johnson accidentally wiping his bottom on his own columns, reinforcing claims they are shit, anyway.
April 15th. The ERGH decide the only solution is to refuse to ‘go’ at all until such time as new British standards can be applied, and adopt a policy of eating nothing but British hard boiled eggs. This earns them a ban from the House of Commons rendering them unable to vote at all.
April 22nd. Ian Duncan Smith explodes and much of Westminster is cordoned off. Emily Maitlis rolls her eyes again as Marc Francois shits himself live on Newsnight.
April 30th The British Public elect a Labrador puppy as Prime Minister and vote overwhelmingly to remain, as the Tory clean-up operation under Mrs Leadsom begins.