A leaked memo concerning the forthcoming Brexit negotiations has revealed that the strategy of the European Council is to be based largely on a close reading of the film Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
EU negotiators are advised to ‘fart in the general direction’ of the ‘silly English kniggets’, or in this case trade negotiators, whose mothers were allegedly hamsters and their fathers said to smell of elderberries. If these tactics don’t work, the eurocrats are to try waving their private parts at the aunties of the ‘tiny-brained wipers of other people’s bottoms’, before proceeding to large scale catapaulting of locally-sourced Friesian cattle. In the event of a single civil servant approaching with a clipboard listing proposed bilateral arrangements, EU negotiators have been advised to turn round immediately shouting ‘Run away! Run away!’.
The start of the negotiations was delayed when Boris, King of the Britons, arrived late due to transport difficulties caused by import restrictions on African swallows. Surprised by the somewhat hostile reception, and also by the EU’s demand for a shrubbery in return for guaranteeing the rights of British ex-pats, he asked whether there was somebody else up there he could negotiate with. However, he was undermined by dissenting voices at home saying they didn’t realise we had a king, they thought we were an autonomous collective.
Meanwhile sources close to Theresa May admitted that they did do the nose, but she’s definitely a witch. For his part, David Cameron vowed to return to politics, describing his resigning in disgrace after losing the referendum as ‘just a flesh wound’.
YaBasta, Hat-tips Midfield Diamond and Oxbridge