Police get new ‘stop and lurch’ powers

Metropolitan Police stock.

People who stop, lurch and then vomit in a doorway will be subject to immediate arrest, thanks to new powers granted by the Home Office.

‘These offenders stop, then they lurch, and if a police officer approaches, they tend to stagger, tell the officer they are a complete cnut or declare their undying love for the officer, then vomit in the doorway of Boots, or over the officer’s boots, or both.’ So says Commander Geoff Smythe, announcing new police powers to curb this kind of behaviour.

‘Hitherto these stop and lurch encounters could result in a suspect taking far too long complaining: ‘I know my f@ckin’ rights you bastards, you’re only arrestin’ me because I am an (unintelligible) and we’re still in the EU so I’ve got the same rights of a German or a French or huuaaaghhhh!’

‘Now, as soon as we see stop and lurch we don’t risk a long argy-barjy often followed by a regurgitated onion bhaji, if not a chicken korma’ explained Smythe. ‘The resulting reduction in dry cleaning bills for uniforms has meant we as a force can now put .001% of a police officer back on the beat to fight real crime.’

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Posted: Apr 2nd, 2019 by

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