In a surprisingly frank interview David Cameron responded to calls for clarification on the Panama Papers scandal involving his father Ian Cameron by with unrestrained laughter and saying, “I honestly don’t know how we’re getting away with this shit!”
Cameron, who seemed in a rarely relaxed mood went on, “Yes, my father and family used aggressive tax avoidance schemes to avoid paying UK taxes. But, come on, are you really surprised? I’m a Conservative minister that went to Eton and Oxford on untaxed earnings, it’s in my blood. If it wasn’t dodgy money it would have rentboys; an amyl fuelled stranglewank; or snorting cocaine off a hooker’s arse whilst I was wearing her bra!” Reporters were frantically scribbling and checking their recording devices were getting this remarkably candid information. His aides were desperately trying to get him to stop but he waved them off.
“I’ve just tried to take £30 a week off the disabled. I’m determined to take more money off the poorest people in society. I’m selling off the schools. The steel industry is up the creek and I couldn’t give a monkey’s! I put my penis in a pig’s mouth for God’s sake! And NOW you’re shocked! Honestly, I think I could do bloody anything and you’d still vote us back in next time. I bet Corbyn overpays his taxes, the marxist nerd.”
With that the Prime Minister gave in to his aides insistence and calmly strode from his podium back into Number 10 murmuring about trying to find his air rifle. A spokesman later told reporters that they better get out of Downing Street as Mr Cameron was feeling “a bit shooty”.