Nigel Farage has slammed the Large Hadron Collider for taking two years off work then coming back online to ‘deliberately introduce dark matter into an already crowded Universe’. The UKIP leader has long highlighted quantum immigration as an ‘explosive issue’ for the general election.
‘Frankly we just don’t have the infrastructure to assimilate all these new particles’, Farage raged, taking an earnest boggle-eyed bantam stance. ‘It has been openly admitted that we don’t really know where all these ‘exotic particles’ originate and we know far less about their skills and employment records. How do we know that the minute these particles are created, they won’t go straight on benefits?’
Farage pointed out that the last time the Collider worked, or as he put it ‘engaged in particle trafficking’, particles appeared that no-one ever heard of and that seemed to be in a state of rapid decay on arrival. He added: ‘How do we know that the NHS of the future can cope with an influx of negative, unstable particles, with no tangible financial contribution?’
Likening the Large Hadron Collider to a ‘bastard child of the Channel Tunnel and a big revolving door’, the UKIP leader expressed concerns that it would punch a black hole into the finances of the EU, leaving the hard-pressed British taxpayer to foot the bill, yet again. At this point, he was greeted with a round of sustained applause by a leading British taxpayer, identified unofficially as Joe Muggins, 38, from Billericay.
‘We want assurances that the Collider will put British particles first and prevent positive discrimination in favour of foreign and untrustworthy ‘dark matter’,’ the UKIP leader concluded. ‘An influx of this sort of thing could destabilise Britain and all the other bits of the Universe we are less bothered about. We already have incipient riots every time floppy-haired, slappable physicists hijack our televisions to use language such as ‘Quark’ and ‘God Particle’. Things can only get worse.’