Man calling in sick can’t decide between a stomach bug and a cold

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A Man who understandably can’t be arsed to drag himself into work to do a job he both hates and will be doing for the next 30 years, is in two minds about the fake illness to use as an excuse.

32-year-old administration officer Mike Young said, “I’m leaning towards stomach bug because I’m not good at fake coughing and sounding nasal. You also have to maintain some level of coughy-snottiness for authenticity when you return, which is probably beyond me.”

“Stomach bugs often last a couple of days. If anyone at work asks how you are you can just sigh and shake your head like just survived a Tsunami and say you’re ‘getting there,’ or some inane bollocks.”

“Problem is, I’m a nervous liar and I end up oversharing – I’m bound to say on the phone that I’ve been up all night shatting through the eye of a needle.”

“That will totally get back to everyone at work – my boss is a major d*ck. I wouldn’t be that bothered but I’m in serious lust with a co-worker. I’m not sure she’ll ever want to see me naked if she’s got a mental image of me screaming on the toilet as my insides fall out my arse.”

“It’s why I also can’t say it’s any type of rash. Bog standard vomiting, I reckon. That’ll buy me a day.”

“So, that didn’t go as planned. My boss said ‘don’t tell me you’ve been sick or you’ve got a cold’. I had to improvise.”
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Posted: Apr 7th, 2019 by

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