Nigel Farage’s new Brexit Party and his rival on the anti-European right of British politics are to settle their current political differences with a public brawl in the car park of the Red Lion in Romford, Essex.
The two parties had looked set to go head to head during the forthcoming local and European elections, thus splitting the pro-Brexit vote. But after talks about standing in separate seats broke down and a merger was dismissed out of hand, it was decided that the best way to settle their differences was a mass public brawl.
‘It’s a great British tradition,’ said Nigel Farage clutching a pint of bitter and introducing some of the hardest pub-fighters in his new party. ‘Degsy here did five years for GBH, and is a black belt in the British martial arts of nutting people for spilling his pint.’ Gerard Batten said he was confident that UKIP’s Health and Safety officer ‘Crusher’ would be able to break limbs and teeth of any far-right thugs who’d switched from hating Europeans his way, to hating Europeans Nigel’s way. ‘We have recruited loads more pschos than Nigel, and his lot are gonna get well and truly battered. Crusher has brought a broken-off snooker cue that he’s planning to smash over Degsy’s head before they are even past the wheelie-bins.’
On learning that Nigel Farage would be present for an interview before the big fight, the BBC immediate agreed to film the whole event, which will be broadcast in the usual Question Time slot. Jacob Rees-Mogg and Boris Johnson will do some pre-match analysis and talk through the slow-motion replays after it all kicks off. ‘Hoc est bellum’ quipped Rees-Mogg in the BBC trailer for the season’s big political punch-up.
‘A pub car park is the best forum to sort out disagreements on the far right’ said Nigel Farage. ‘Which is why I suggested it…’ said Gerard Batten. ‘No, I suggested it’ insisted Farage. ‘Shut it ponce!’ shouted Batten, before the two of them wrestled one another to the floor, scratching, pulling hair and biting one another.