Following the startling rise through the IS ranks by Shamina Begum, senior officers in charge of training at Sandhurst have decided to widen the pool from which they draw recruits for officer training. Speaking at the Royal Military Academy, Colonel Gerry ‘Tiger, Churchill told reporters that traditionally, they look to Eton, Harrow and other public schools and to sons of former officers to recruit prospective leaders.
‘Although, when they come to us, most of the ex-public schoolboys are unable to dress themselves and are totally out of touch with reality, after five years rigorous training, we are generally confident that should they find themselves in a war situation, their training will kick in and they will be able to issue the order ‘Carry on Sergeant’,’ said Churchill.
However, in recent years the army has found itself under pressure from public opinion to have more women and ethnic minorities in its upper ranks. Having heard reports about ‘this Begum business’, the general staff has concluded that they should be concentrating on young teenage girls from East London to fast-track to the top.
‘According to secret reports given to the government, this Begum bint, who didn’t speak any other language than English, had never been outside the UK before, had never even seen a gun in her life, managed to rise to the top of the IS morality police, use a Kalashnikov like a veteran and handle the most volatile of explosives when sending out suicide bombers,’ said Churchill. ‘On top of that, she was pregnant for 36 of the 48 months that she was out there.’
‘If the enemies that she made amongst the other IS women are to be believed and the Home Secretary isn’t just trying to cover his arse, then this is the sort of trainee Sandhurst needs. She probably wouldn’t so much pass the port to the right as destroy it and assassinate the steward for bringing it in, and she probably wouldn’t be up to much in a game of ‘soggy biscuit’, but swings and roundabouts, eh, old chap?’