Nuclear holocaust curtailing football season ‘would be Spursiest thing ever’


Fans of Tottenham Hotspur have expressed mixed feelings about the end of the football season, despite being only four points behind the leaders Chelsea and better placed for a title win at this point than at any time since 1961. Unfortunately this has all come as the world inched closer to nuclear Armageddon over which narcissistic wing-nut with a dodgy Barnet has the biggest danglers.

‘I can just see it now,’ said lifelong Tottenham fan Roy Sutherland. ‘Chelsea keep faltering, we cruise past everyone, we go to Hull for the last game of the season needing only a point and it all gets cancelled because a demented murder gibbon has got his tiny little fingers twitching at the nuclear button. That would be just typical of our luck.’

The term ‘Spursy’ is applied to a talented but fragile team cocking things up towards the end of the season to huge general amusement. Most recent seasons where Tottenham have narrowly finished outside the Champions League Places and last year, when they somehow finished third in a two-horse race, have been somewhat Spursy. However, the season failing to be completed because all life has been wiped off the planet would probably top that.

In recent weeks, North Korea’s paranoid sociopath dictator has been testing missiles near one of Asia’s largest cities, while America’s paranoid sociopath dictator is deflecting attention from having been parachuted into power by Russia’s paranoid sociopath dictator, who has now broken off their homoerotic bromance. Meanwhile, China’s paranoid sociopath dictatorship has somehow become the voice of reason. Experts are now warning the world to forget about sport and make sure they have plenty of unshat-in pants in the wardrobe.

‘I’m not worried,’ said Chelsea supporter Rob McCafferty. ‘Abramovich has Putin in his back pocket – the woman who works in the PR department told me. There’s no way he’s going to let this all go up while we’re still four points clear and aiming for the double. Mind you, I can’t answer for what would have happened if Tottenham had won the Semi-Final against us. Vladimir hates the Yiddos, you know.’

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Posted: Apr 16th, 2019 by

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