ERG guide to disrupting the European Parliament

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The following secret and anonymous memo labelled Perfidious Albion and circulated to all ERG members has been obtained. It gives tips to members on how to disrupt the EU parliament, when elected:

• During debates, speak partially in Eggy-Peggy or Teletubby language, confusing interpreters
• When using EU lavatories, do not flush. Especially Steve Baker
• When you reach the head of the long queue in the EU cafeteria, discover you can only play in pounds shillings and pence. Also demand custard
• Put a Union Jack on your car bonnet, then drive on the left through Brussels
• At a pre-ordained signal, everyone to wear Boris Johnson masks
• At another pre-ordained signal, stage an outbreaking of coughing, like we did with Mr Braithwaite at Eton. (Not you, Steve Baker)
• Sit next to female MP’s from European climes and gaze fondly at them, possibly blowing little kisses at them, while they are making speeches. (Especially you, Mark Francois)
• Smuggle a pigeon/tiny monkey tied to a flowing Union Jack into the debating chamber in a briefcase, then discreetly release it
• When going through security, carry a metal gun-shaped object – that turns out to be a cigarette lighter
• Refer to M. Macron as ‘Mr Macaroon’
• Smuggle a mini-drone into the chamber in a briefcase. It can chase the pigeon
• When asked for a reason for blocking proposed EU legislation/budget decisions, explain it is ‘what my dear mother would have wanted’
• Refer to Mrs Merkel as ‘Mrs Merton’
• Andrea Leadsom to weep and sob loudly for no reason
• Member (chosen by lots) to smuggle in camping stove, frying pan and ingredients and make and toss pancake during debate then distribute with choice of jam/lemon & sugar
• Stink bombs. Made in Britain, please
• Refer to M. Barnier as ‘Mr Barmy, eh?’
• Sit facing the wrong way
• Softly hum ‘Danny Boy’ when a Republic of Ireland MEP is speaking.
• Refuse to take off outdoor coat
• Refer to Donald Tusk as ‘The Elephant Man’
• Introduce legislation making every day the first day of Spring
• Do silent-but-deadlies whenever a foreign MEP is speaking, then when he looks towards you, shout ‘He who denied it supplied it’
• Play the wall game against the inside wall of the Parliament chamber. NB – if there are not enough of you, you may have to allow Harrow oiks to join in too. Needs must.
• Insist on having everything translated into Latin. Jacob can advise.
• Attend all meetings in camouflage, armed with a Lee Enfield. When challenged, say ‘You didn’t mind us being dressed like this in 1944, did you?’
• When an attractive female MEP speaks, shout ‘Corr, lumme’, pump your elbow vigorously and start chasing her around the room to the Benny Hill theme tune

Hat tip Oxbridge

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Posted: Apr 18th, 2019 by

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