Hayley Connor, a 24-year-old marketing manager from Bromsgrove, has announced plans to take to court a casual acquaintance with whom she had sex one Friday evening in March. She alleges that Ryan Fleetwood, 26, literally sh*gged her into the middle of next week, causing untold damage to her social and working lives.
‘I’m not denying the sex was fully consensual,’ admitted Connor, who met the handsome, sporty advertising salesman on a blind date in the local branch of Prezzo. ‘He seemed absolutely lovely, kept saying how gorgeous I was and he literally swept me off my feet. With a broom. But it was kind of romantic, so I dusted myself off and went back to his place for a bit of fun.’
According to both parties’ accounts, they started kissing on the couch, then they undressed each other and Fleetwood whispered ‘I’m going to literally sh*g you into the middle of next week’. Connor claims that the next thing she knew, following a jizz-propelled bout of time travel, it was 12 noon on the following Wednesday.
‘There I was, alone and stark naked in a strange flat, there were 472 messages on my phone from worried family and friends asking where on Earth I was and the police had listed me as a missing person,’ she said. ‘I had missed my best friend’s birthday party and the start of Game of Thrones, not to mention suddenly being three days behind on the new Pot Noodle campaign. I want my missing days back and compensation for the trauma.’
Fleetwood has vowed to fight the case vigorously. ‘Bloody ungrateful woman,’ he told reporters. ‘I said what I was going to do next and she said ‘Oooh, yeah, please…’, so I did. I didn’t hear any complaints at the time, though admittedly that’s because I was five days in the past by then. Anyway, it could have been worse. I mean, I might have promised to sh*g the living shit out of her.’