A leaked document has caused concern that the apparently generous offer of money by McDonald’s to help rebuild Paris’s Notre Dame cathedral, recently damaged in a fire, may come with some conditions that critics say are ‘about as palatable as a Filet-o-Fish’. The company has drawn up a comprehensive plan which would fully fund the restoration in exchange for what it calls ‘a few trivial cosmetic changes in the services the cathedral provides to consumers’.
In particular the communion service, in which the faithful consume what will now be called a McWafer/McWine combo, will be renamed the ‘Joy That Passeth All Understanding Meal’, which the company describes as ‘a Catholic twist on the classic Happy Meal’.
Confession will also be “streamlined”, with penitents given a screen on which they can ‘pre-confess’ their sins, which will be organised by category, while they stand in line. They will then be given a numbered ticket, coming forward when the priest calls their number to be told ‘Go in peace and sin no more – and do you want fries with that?’
The company said it had no issue with the cross that was the centrepiece of the cathedral’s current marketing offer, but added: ‘Perhaps it could droop a little on either side, as if the gold had begun to melt in the fire, so it became a couple of golden arches? Just a thought.’
McDonalds added that they had no plans to force priests to wear a red nose, curly wig and big shoes “and those TV ads showing him surrounded by children were probably not a great idea either”. Responding to concerns that the new efficiency measures might put people out of work, a McDonalds representative confirmed that they will still need people to stop punters coming in to use the bogs without buying anything.