Environment Secretary Michael Gove has stated that the recent Extinction Rebellion protest was ‘far too presumptuous’ and that climate change was just the planetary equivalent of the menopause. He dismissed concerns of melting pandas by tucking into a feast of chlorinated dodo, marinated quagga and woolly rhinoceros kebab.
A Conservative spokeswoman said: ‘If God had not meant us to frack, he wouldn’t have given us shareholders. We need environmental laws like a whale needs a hole in the head. Metaphorically, people are just chasing unicorns. Which is just as well, as we ate the last one. To be honest, we’ve got all the time in the world. Two weeks to be exact.’