While 45% of UK teachers have bought essentials for their students, many students have been forced to support malnourished staff with gin-soaked apples and pickled onion flavour Monster Munch from their packed lunch, a shock new report has found. There are accounts of children feeding teachers cat food and saucers of milk, while others have been allegedly making a nest for Sir in the stationery cupboard out of a cardboard box and shredded SATS results.
Said one primary school student: ‘I’ve taken to hanging a suet fat ball from the ceiling of my classroom. During the lesson, Miss will take a few embarrassed pecks at it, but at break time it will be covered in ravenous staff. Our headmistress has a particularly beautiful plumage.’
The staffing and funding crisis is so pronounced that newly qualified teachers have been placed on the endangered list. The RSPCA advises that the average teacher must be at least 600 grams to survive their estivation period over the summer vacation. Fears are now growing that the teacher shortage could become critical in September if too many starve before they wake up. Some pupils have expressed a willingness to feed their teachers through a pipette in the last weeks of August but scientists have dismissed this as a waste of time, adding ‘And it’s your own time you’re wasting’.
Another student complained: ‘Trouble is, once you feed a stray teacher, they have a habit of following you home. They just scratch at your front door, making a pining noise and start rummaging through your bins. It would be just kinder to put them out of their misery and let them just become a prison warder instead. They’ve got all the relevant skills already, after all.’