United offers new class of tickets for, you know, them…


Following recent negative publicity, United Airlines has announced it will offer a new class of ticket cheaper than economy or coach, provisionally called ‘Amistad class’. The tickets will be launched via an advertising campaign featuring supermodel and reality TV star Kendall Jenner and written by the advertising agency behind Pepsi’s recent ads for Black Lives Matter, which apparently has a little time on its hands.

‘The new ticket is specifically aimed at – how can I put this – people who are tough to see in the dark. We’re still allowed to say that, right?’ said a United spokesman today. ‘As part of the service, passengers will be kidnapped, branded with the three-letter code of their destination and dragged onto the plane. A long-haul charge may be applicable if they live a long way from the airport.’

During the flight, Amistad class passengers will be kept in the cargo hold or strapped to the wheels and fed gruel every other day. A clause in the small print says they may be jettisoned at any point in the flight if circumstances change and it is no longer profitable to deliver them. One African-American regular flyer commented that this sounded much like how he is treated already, adding ‘And no matter how many times I tell them my name, they always put ‘Toby’ on the ticket.’

United added that its new ad is all about its core brand value. It shows passengers boarding a plane, when an Asian man finds there’s someone already in his seat. He points this out to cabin crew, who knock him to the ground and begin dragging him off the plane. At this point, Kendall Jenner, who has been looking at the Asian man and wondering if he has a good-looking son who plays the cello, offers the cabin crew a can of Pepsi and they agree to treat the Asian respectfully now that a white person has intervened on his behalf.

The ad will be accompanied by a social media campaign using the hashtags #TreatingGooksAsEqualsEvenBeforeWeHadTo and #HonestlySomeOfMyBestFriendsAreYellow. ‘We’re hoping the campaign will reach millions of people,” the spokesman said. ‘The ad agency tells us their last ad went viral in a very short space of time, so fingers crossed!’

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Posted: Apr 20th, 2019 by

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