The Passion of Mark Francois

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Rumours are circulating today that bumptious Captain Mainwaring wannabe and MP for Rayleigh, Mark Francois, has sensationally resurrected himself after having been crucified on Friday by a group of Remainers who could no longer stick his nauseating personality.

It’s understood the cheeky-chappie Essex man, who previously once spent the best part of a day several years ago in a big tent pretending to be a soldier with the TA saving Britain from Neo-Nazi invaders, had irritated the group so far beyond breaking-point that it provoked them into nailing him to a tree to shut him up, but not before drawing lots to see which of them would take his ill-fitting M&S suit.

At around 3.00 pm against a leaden sky after sipping from a vinegar-soaked rag on a stick and as his life slowly ebbed away, Francois is understood to have called out: ‘Forgive them Father, for they know what they have done!’

Parliamentary colleague, Jacob Rees-Mogg told reporters: ‘It was quite incredible because at the time I had been in the shower when suddenly the sky darkened to a brooding slate-grey and the pink flamingo curtain rent itself from top to bottom. I knew instinctively what had happened although I had to move rather quickly to preserve my modesty as my wife was close by.’

Mr Francois is remaining tight-lipped on the matter but a constituency source told reporters: ‘Expect to be summoned to a press conference in forty day’s time when all will be revealed.’

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Posted: Apr 23rd, 2019 by

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