The Passion of Mark Francois


Rumours are circulating today that bumptious Captain Mainwaring wannabe and MP for Rayleigh, Mark Francois, has sensationally resurrected himself after having been crucified on Friday by a group of Remainers who could no longer stick his nauseating personality.

It’s understood the cheeky-chappie Essex man, who previously once spent the best part of a day several years ago in a big tent pretending to be a soldier with the TA saving Britain from Neo-Nazi invaders, had irritated the group so far beyond breaking-point that it provoked them into nailing him to a tree to shut him up, but not before drawing lots to see which of them would take his ill-fitting M&S suit.

At around 3.00 pm against a leaden sky after sipping from a vinegar-soaked rag on a stick and as his life slowly ebbed away, Francois is understood to have called out: ‘Forgive them Father, for they know what they have done!’

Parliamentary colleague, Jacob Rees-Mogg told reporters: ‘It was quite incredible because at the time I had been in the shower when suddenly the sky darkened to a brooding slate-grey and the pink flamingo curtain rent itself from top to bottom. I knew instinctively what had happened although I had to move rather quickly to preserve my modesty as my wife was close by.’

Mr Francois is remaining tight-lipped on the matter but a constituency source told reporters: ‘Expect to be summoned to a press conference in forty day’s time when all will be revealed.’

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Posted: Apr 23rd, 2019 by

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