In a startling new scientific breakthrough, signs of lingering basic brain-function including the ability to recognise simple words such as ‘goal’, ‘Moon’ and ‘parrot’, and the ability to direct the opening of a ring-pull beer can or to order a takeaway pizza have been observed in the brains of subjects previously regarded as having suffered complete brain death.
‘It used to be thought that human brains suffered irreversible damage and totally ceased to function within a few minutes of being deprived of intellectual stimulus,’ said professor Whitecoat. ‘But a detailed study of volunteers exposed to intense and sustained “television” treatment shows that this is not completely true.’
‘We should be careful not to exaggerate this phenomenon however. And to appreciate that this only applies to the most primitive, basic brain functions and not to more intellectual challenges such as understanding quiz shows, following soaps or recognising sophisticated concepts such as “offside”.’