Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley is confident he has found the ideal partner to sponsor his team next season – Chinese multinational telecommunications equipment and consumer electronics manufacturer Huawei.
‘I’m over the Moon,’ beamed Mr Ashley. ‘It is a great deal and the marketing bods have come up with the ideal slogan for the Toon Army – ‘Huawei the Lads’.’
Superfan Jimmy ‘Tenbellies’ Jones was ecstatic: ‘Why aye man, with the backing of the Chinese state, we will be able to afford any player in the world now! Know what I mean like? All the fans are in dreamland.’
‘Following Theresa May’s brave and sensible decision to fly in the face of security advice and replace all intelligence and military computer systems with Huawei products, we will be constructing a command centre under St James’ Park during the close season,’ said a Huawei spokesperson.
‘Huawei means Huawei,’ said Mrs May, after announcing plans to shut down GCHQ by the end of the year.