A ConHome poll of Tory members this week indicated that 62% would vote for the Brexit Party in EU elections, less than a quarter would vote for their own party and one in two would rather have a nap than vote at all.
In a bid to woo grassroots Conservative Party approval before the inevitable leadership battle off the back of catastrophic EU and council election results, staunch Brexiteer Jacob Rees-Mogg is removing the pole from up his manifesto, changing his name to Jimmy Ringpull and ‘getting down’ with the party plebs.
Jimmy’s new Campaign Guru, Steve Zoosh, explains: ‘Jacob… I mean, Jimmy, is the poster boy for the right-wing of the party, but he’ll need to beef-up his popularity with left-leaning Tory remainers if he’s to stand any chance of toppling Terri Maybot.’
Jimmy follows other high-profile political figures changing their birth names to bolster their political aspirations, for example: Lembit Opik was born Robert Charlton, Tommy Robinson was Magyar Slavinsky, and Michael Gove was Horatio Cufflink-Chamberpot III.
Jimmy Ringpull is Mr Rees-Mogg’s second name-change attempt, after the first; to Harry Potter, ended in an acrimonious court case with JK Rowling and the destruction of hundreds of hours of YouTube video footage.
In a effort to make him appear less like a Victorian standard lamp a photo shoot was organised for the Honourable Mr. Ringpull, where he stood outside a newsagents whilst an aide purchased a scratchcard.
Steve added: ‘It didn’t go very well. It was the first time Jimmy had been photographed without a huge fireplace in the background. It took a large glass of cognac and nanny blowing gently on his face to calm him down. After receiving the scratchcard, he asked for it be added to his investment portfolio. He’s a work in progress.’
When asked about this new political strategy, Mr Ringpull added: ‘One plans to charter a vehicle called a mini bus to visit party members from all walks of life in horrifying far-flung constituencies where no one speaks Latin of Ancient Greek.’