Concerns have been raised over Newcastle-based firm Howay being awarded the contract to create some of the vital infrastructure for the UK’s 5G network.
‘We’d certainly be reluctant to use them,’ said the Minister for Technology in Whitehall, ‘If only because of the added cost of hiring translators.’
‘I’m not doubting their ability, but they seem never to be in the office on a Monday if Newcastle FC lost over the weekend. So any Monday, really. And whenever I ask them how much they’d charge for something, they answer in terms of ‘crates of the broon’, whatever the hell that is.’
‘And their ‘weekend’ seems to start at lunchtime on Thursday.’
‘Repeated enquiries to Managing Director Mr B Bacon were unable to establish even the names of the people who work there, as they felt admitting they have jobs might jeopardise their entitlement to benefits. It’s thought Mr Bacon’s PA is called Cheryl, though her surname seems to be different every time she’s mentioned.’
‘And I’d have to say this company prospectus is somewhat… unusual in style,’ continued the minister, before it was pointed out to him that he was holding a copy of Viz magazine, which if nothing else at least gives an accurate picture of life in Newcastle.