Barry Williams, a middle-aged accountant from Newport is planning to spend today hanging around the water cooler looking through the gallery on his phone until someone asks him what he’s chuckling at so he can show off his crowning achievements of Bank Holiday Monday.
‘I don’t know what it is,’ says Barry, 55, ‘but the joy I feel inside whenever the weather’s nice and the wife asks me to get the pressure washer out is truly unrivalled.’
‘You absolutely have not lived until you’ve powered an artistic genitalia representation into the conservatory roof glass filth, and then stopped for a cuppa with the sunlight shining through as if God is smiling upon you. That Da Vinci bloke’s got nothin’ on Baz from the block.’
Alongside Conservatory Cock, Barry’s iPhone contains the rest of his collected works: Patio Penis, Shed Schlong, Decking Dick and Window Wang which he cannot wait to show his colleagues in order to get the polite laughs rolling in to fuel his ego for a couple of weeks until the next Bank Holiday.
Despite …everything, Barry isn’t entirely self-unaware. ‘Honestly? I don’t think Toby from HR is as likely to see the funny side as Helen from Sales, but underneath all his scowling I reckon he’s drawn a few crazy paving knobs in his time.’
Toby Henderson, 47, was unavailable for comment, but anecdotal reports suggest he’s already been spotted by the third floor photocopier chuckling at his phone.