Both Champion’s League finalists have revealed that their tactic for success will be to establish themselves as the biggest underdog since the Karate Kid took up MMA. Plans include playing with ten men, tying their shoe laces together and making a paper aeroplane one handed.
A Liverpool spokeswoman explained: ‘Jurgen insists we make things difficult for ourselves; therefore we’ll be taking laxatives before the match, playing blindfold and doing a variety of tongue twisters, while standing on one leg. We also tried wrapping an elastic band around one testicle, but rather than a distraction, James Milner actually played better.’
A Tottenham spokesman countered: You call that hard? Poch says we’ll be playing the first half of the Madrid game while still in London. Deli Ali will sing ‘Oh when the Saints’ whilst wearing comedy teeth. While Harry Kane will try to eat three crackers without a drink.’
A UEFA official confirmed various rule changes: ‘The finalists will expected to play the full 90 minutes submerged in a vat of treacle, while rubbing their tummy and patting their head. If the game ends with a draw after extra time, both teams will be asked to solve Brexit’.