DJ Danny Baker has begged for one more chance to maintain his image as honorary third member of Chas n Dave, after being sacked from his job of being a bit of a geezer.
‘Look it woz only after a butchers in the mirror that I realised a stupid titfer had somehow descended on me bonce wivout me knowing about it,’ he told journalists. ‘But these snotgobbling swivel-eyed mouthbreathing dunderbrained chuckleheads in Marks and Sparks two-for-one suits at the Aunty Beebie so-called-C, they circled like vipers and made sure I was shown the revolving doors which clanked shut after me, never to return again. When will they realise that adorable talent like myself is only human and therefore, yes, I admit it, capable of gross errors of judgement in the headwear department?’
Baker claimed it was only when seventeen million of his Twitter followers took him to task for shit-fez-wearing that he realised his error, after which he removed the tweet and deleted the stupid hat which reappeared as if by magic, in time to be mobbed by gloating reporters from Sky.
The slightly less-cheeky-than-usual chappy complained: ‘Look just cos the hat was on me coconut it doesn’t mean I put it there. It could have been a prank by a Charlton Athletic fan, smugly celebrating Milwall’s woes. A drone, delivering shit hats for Amazon could of lost control of its payload, wiv me ending up as unlikely and innocent victim, let’s be honest. Listen, the boys from Sky Noose could of added the hat in post production, cos they know I am a sucker for a good giggle at me own expense in all honesty, at the end of the day.’
He continued: ‘The executives’ll grab any excuse by the TK Max jacket ‘n trouser brigade to wield the old axe. While inside wot used to be the British Broadcasting House Corporation, they’re runnin’ about like the decapitated capons they truly are. At the end of the day I’ve got options, like going back to advertising Daz on the doorstep or embarking on the 9th episode of my warmly received autobiography of meself.’