The former deity and Bible personality says He has been inspired by Tesla cars to put the Universe on autonomous mode and concentrate on playing golf with celestial bodies bin His declining years. He has announced that as from today He will not be answering any prayers or responding to requests to smite sinners.
“I know fundamentalist Christians really appreciate a bit of divine intervention every now and then, but after 15 billion years I think it’s time I started taking it easy”, He says. “Plus it’s a little-known fact that the laws of physics are more reliable than an Old Testament god when it comes to guiding planets in their orbits and keeping planes from dropping out of the sky”.
Theologians are divided on whether the cosmos would run more smoothly without the guidance of a Supreme Being. “I suppose it was only a matter of time”, said one of them resignedly, “seeing as we’ve already got self-driving cars and vacuum cleaners. Still, I think we’re going to miss God’s personal touch. Like the way He wiped out Sodom and Gomorrah in a fit of anger. It’s hard to imagine a software program doing that”.
Meanwhile, the Archbishop of Canterbury admits this “looks pretty bad” for his future employment prospects, but insists he is still available for royal weddings and spots on Prayer of the Day.