In a shocking oversight, you have failed yet again to make it on to the ‘Who’s Who of Greed’; this is despite a year of careful financial management including changing energy suppliers, buying toilet-rolls in bulk and selling your kid’s blood plasma. By contrast the Hinduja brothers fortune has extended to £22bn just by a modest regime of repairing old socks, cutting their own hair and sharing a paper-round.
One DWP claimant complained: ‘You’d think that in this age of Austerity I’d have jumped up a few places, especially given that the country is now lousy with tramps. I’ve had my benefits frozen for the last six months and I’d assumed it was because I’d become so filthy rich. Now can you excuse me please, this rat won’t boil itself’.
We asked a ‘money expert’ if there were practical ways to become a billionaire: ‘There are three simple steps. First, tell Chris Grayling that you have a ferry company. Two, have 10 DUP votes for sale and Three, stop paying taxes’.
Said a spokeswoman for the 7th Duke of Westminster, inheritor of £9bn property portfolio, dating back to the 16th century following the Dissolution of the Monasteries: ‘It’s all about hard graft’.