Actress Felicity Huffman faces up to 4 months in jail, for pretending her daughter had more than sawdust between her ears. A Boston court heard how wealthy parents have paid to have their children’s exam and sporting achievements changed, in order to hide the fact they are just ‘the vacuous spawn of celebrity narcissism, with all the brain-power of doughnut’.
Educationists have suggested that rich parents should spend less time naming their children after words like ‘Tibet’, ‘Delphinium’ or ‘Quinoa’ and spend more time teaching them how to spell them. In a statement, the Desperate Housewives star took full acceptance of her guilt and that her daughter was as thick as ‘two short planks’.
Explained one child who wished to remain anonymous as their name was so stupid; ‘By the age of seven I had my own accountant and beachside property in Malibu, but my parents didn’t explain the world was round, until I was eighteen. In fact, I still know nothing about long division, where rain comes from or how my pony gets its manicure’.
Sadly too many celebrity offspring reach adulthood without having grasped with basic grammar, basic manners or Lego Duplo. The Judge commented that the apple never falls far from the tree, to which one College graduate replied: ‘What’s an apple?’