In a major constitutional change aimed at raising public levels of interest in parliamentary proceedings at least above those enjoyed by chaffinches on Countyfile, the House of Lords is to be scrapped and replaced by a new second chamber consisting of Sir Tom Jones, Jessie J, Danny O’Donoghue, and Will.i.am.
The Voice panel will listen to all proposed Bills from the Commons with their chairs turned away. If one or more of the judges likes the sound of the legislation they can press a button causing their chair to spin round, automatically triggering a round of applause and a Second Reading.
‘The panel from The Voice are the perfect replacement for the Lords’, explained Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg. ‘They combine the age and experience of Sir Tom Jones with whatever it is that the other ones do.’
Once the chairs have turned around signalling the ‘tentative interest’ of a panelist in taking a Bill further, each will fight for the right to mentor it through the complex legislative process. If it successfully passes the early stages the Bill is then brought before a public phone vote. Calls cost 25p per minute. Please ask the bill-payer’s permission before enacting legislation.
‘The panel from The Voice will subject each new law to significant Parliamentary scrutiny,’ explained Mr Clegg. ‘On hearing any proposed legislation Will.i.am will roll his eyes about, Jessie J will sing along to the words, and Danny O’Donoghue will nod his head furiously and purse his lips. Meanwhile, Sir Tom Jones will look confused and ramble on at length before asking where he is, thus maintaining an important tradition of the Lords.’
Once a Bill has successfully passed the phone vote stage it will then achieve Royal Assent, a ceremonial process in which Sir Tom presents the new Act of Parliament before the Queen and she throws a pair of gold lamé knickers at him, so bringing it into law and completely bypassing the views of the ‘commons’.
Mr Clegg rejected claims that the new system trivialised politics and simply replaced one unelected group with another. ‘Democracy is about giving the public what they want,’ he insisted. ‘And if people don’t like the decisions of The Voice we can always overrule them with The Parliament Act and fast-track another Bill using that nice dog from Britain’s Got Talent.’
‘It’s either that or Dale Winton leading the debate on Gay marriage, arguing that everyone has a right to ‘go wild in the aisles’.’