Harold Burgen (76) has been warned by his local council, that the global eco-system is about to collaspe unless he stops consuming 120,000TWh of fossil fuels and eating all the pandas. Ignoring the fact that Mr. Burgen can not afford to drive or buy sausages, it is also clear that the 14 billion pounds of waste annually released into the sea is down to him watering his garden in 1973.
An environmental inspector explained: ‘I haven’t been dumping plastic bags in the sea. Neither has my wife. Or my kids. Have you? Of course not. So whose doing it? It has to be someone. It certainly can’t be the very multinational firms or governments who are telling us to protect the environment’.
A confused Harold said: ‘I always use my recycling bin and I haven’t been to the beach since I was a boy. Plastic cocktail sticks? But I only drink Horlicks.’
A spokesman for David Attenborough sent a message from his villa in Davos: ‘Mr Attenborough doesn’t jet all around the world to explain the dangers of pollution to a room full of trophy hunters, just to have this undone by Mr Burgen. Now throw another rhino horn on the fire, Mr Attenborough is cold!’