Labour has said that under them all crime will be nationalised, with the proceeds of crime being used to fund social programmes. ‘It makes perfect sense,’ said Labour leader Jeremy ‘fingers’ Corbyn. ‘Set a thief to catch a thief and all that – Parliament houses the biggest bunch of crooks in the land, so it makes sense to capitalise on that. Shit, did I say capitalise? I meant benefit everyone, naturally. Where’s my trowel when I need it?’
Under the scheme, criminals will be paid a living wage to ‘plan, operate and distribute crime in a fair, equitable and safe manner.’ ‘No more sawn off shotguns, with sharp edges at the end. Full length, unmodified and packed with allergen free shot,’ added the Labour leader. ‘It will bring in billions for the country, Diane has done the sums,’ he added.
The Conservatives are highly critical of the plan. ‘We’ve been robbing the electorate blind for years, withholding pay rises to Public Sector workers and syphoning money to ferry companies without any boats. If anyone is best placed to deliver crime it’s the Conservatives through the private sector, sending the proceeds to those who deserve it most – us. We don’t need the taxpayer to be involved in this, apart from the massive extortion ring that is actually under Government control, HMRC. We think that should have more powers to extort – from basic rate taxpayers, naturally.’