A Russian foreign ministry official has today contradicted reports that a list of ‘banned’ politicians was a result of EU sanctions against Russia. ‘Not at all. It is a simple attempt to support our gentrification process by excluding undesirables who are likely to detract from Russia’s reputation as a lovely place to visit and live.’
While he confirmed that the list was intended to be kept secret so as ‘not to hurt the feelings’ of those listed, he was happy to comment on one or two of the cases now public knowledge. ‘People travel for days just to gaze upon uplifting sights such as our concrete housing blocks and vodka-sodden kulaks in repose on park benches. Imagine running into Nick Clegg. It could suck all of the joy out of the experience.’
‘On the other hand, the presence of a flamboyant buffoon like Boris Johnson in Red Square could completely ruin one of our ‘Gray Pride’ parades. Our uniformly heterosexual people practice all year to march in sombre celebration of all things Russian, their huge weapons on display. The last thing we need is someone who reminds us of a relatively-sober Boris Yeltsin on a zip wire.’
‘Similarly, we do not wish our people to have to be exposed to the sight of David Cameron, speaking with such force about total bollocks when he should be silently riding a bear, naked from the waist up with all the dignity we expect from world leaders.’ Meanwhile, a pumped David Cameron has hotly requested that the list be extended to include other places he never hoped to have to visit, including Columbia, Ventnor, Scotland, Poundland, and Rowner in Gosport.