Plans are in motion to return the Secretary for Transport’s brain into public ownership, having previously been outsourced to pack of howler monkeys. The failed privatisation of Mr. Grayling has seen a catalogue of expensive failures; including ports without ferries, prisons without prisoners and an electorate without the will to live.
News of the change, has caused the share price in Grayling to plummet from £0.00 to somewhere in the region of £0.00. However analysts advised shareholders not to panic, as Grayling was still likely to return to his top value – of £0.00.
A spokeswoman explained: ‘Normally with privatisation we can generate money by asset-stripping, but the Secretary of State has no assets. In fact, he ended up causing problems; such as £2bn in lost revenue, making Michael Gove look competent and kickstarting The End of Days. In retrospect we’d have done better to use the example British Steel and just throw him into a vat of molten metal’.
The whole process will take several months and has been nicknamed ‘Operation turd polish’. The hope is that a nationalized Grayling will finally offer efficiency and value for money – by falling off a cliff.