England, Wales and Northern Ireland, the other three constituent parts of the Divided Kingdom, have come together to ask Scotland if it wouldn’t mind pouring itself a nice glass of Irn-Bru and sorting its head out once and for all. This follows a referendum last year in which Scotland voted strongly against independence and a general election earlier this month in which it voted overwhelmingly for a party whose sole purpose is to secure independence.
‘The Scottish Lion has roared tonight,’ said the SNP’s former leader Alex Salmond to jubilant supporters in Glasgow on election night, as his party won an unprecedented 56 of the 59 seats north of the border. ‘Unlike last September, when it coughed apologetically and slunk back into its cage,’ he mysteriously failed to add.
In the rest of the UK, an election that seemed extremely close throughout was won by the Conservatives on a late 3-4% swing by undecided voters. This number, political analysts say, could easily be explained by about 1,000 people in each English constituency suddenly getting the hump with that pale, shouty bloke in the office who keeps banging on about how the Scots invented everything and Scotland is much better, despite the fact that he has lived in Buckinghamshire for over 30 years.
‘On a historic night for Scotland, we have secured a firm mandate to, er, get really cross about anything we don’t like the new Tory majority government in Westminster doing,’ said SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon. ‘Fiscal autonomy. Fiscal autonomy. Will that do?’
Added Stephen Drummond, an archetypal swing voter from Crawley who opted to vote Tory at the last moment: ‘Look, I’m not that shallow – I don’t give a rat’s toss about whether Ed Miliband looked good eating a bacon sandwich and I’d pay to be put in a dunce’s cap and be made to stand in the corner by Leanne Wood, but what swayed me was, well, look, you know what it was. Now make your minds up or… I mean it, now I’ll count to ten and … one, two, three – right: deep-fried Mars bars. There, I said it.’