List of other foodstuffs vying to be thrown over Farage


With milkshake banned in the run up to the hustings, other easily purchased food stuffs have declared themselves available for work:

1. Heinz Vegetable soup. Looks like sick. Carrot lumps can get trapped in pockets of Saville Row suit, even after cleaning.

2. Birds ready made custard. Yellow ‘reads’ well on TV, especially 4K. Downside: Looks a bit pro-Lib Dem

3. Organic Live yoghurt. Smelly as well as messy

4. Tomato ketchup. Brands vary. Squirty dispenser aids accuracy. A nice take on the Rivers of Blood theme.

5. Ben and Jerry’s chocolate fudge brownie. Aim low and from behind.

6. Sainsbury’s own brand pesto sauce. One for the Greens

7. Magnum: Unwrap. Slip into NF top pocket. Pat down.

8. Salad cream, or in wealthier constituencies, Hellman’s Mayonnaise.

9. Tarkha Dahl. Smells delicious (except to Farage and the gang!) but looks like baby shit. Stains.

10. Irn Bru (traditional) Most fabrics disintegrate within ten minutes

11. Guacamole: Stand up for Mexicans everywhere against Farage’s association with Trump.

12. Coleslaw: Can be quite easily fashioned into a loose sticky ball to aid hurling accuracy.

13. Double Cream – The perfect substitute for milkshake. Hard to remove smell from clothing afterwards.

14. HP Sauce – Brown and messy with just the right amount of relevance to politics and shit.

15. 400g unopened tin of Italian plum tomatoes aimed as high as possible

16. Several sticks of extra sticky Algerian dates

17. A good hose down from a keg of Belgian Home Brewed Pale Ale

18. A King Size Swiss Toblerone for shoving in any round hole of choice

19. Twenty eight hard boiled Gauloise chicken eggs

20. Full English breakfast aimed at his bucket mouth to hasten a coronary

21. Somerset Brie. British but sounds French and it stinks.

22. 50kg sack of King Edward potatoes.

23. Prawn cocktail – just for starters.

24. Large anvil*

25. Alphabetti Spaghetti. Points if you can spell a rude word on his face or jacket.

* not strictly a foodstuff

nickb, Chipchase, Dick Everyman, Crayon, Sir Lupus, Sinnick

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Posted: May 23rd, 2019 by

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