‘We won’t be allowed to refer to Boris as a lying philandering racist c*nt with a poor grasp of political detail and an absence of integrity or statesmanship,’ explained BBC Head of Policy Mike Smythe. ‘In the run up to elections for Tory Leadership we have special rules about what happens on air – just as we had for the European Elections. We must not try and sway opinion by telling the truth.’ Mr Smythe defended the BBC’s decision to pull a recent edition of ‘Have We Got Paul Merton looking Bored for You’ because it featured the leader of a pop-up party whose name nobody can remember.
Mr Smythe went on: ‘If we were to describe on air Boris’s track record of dishonesty as a journalist and remind people of his tactlessness as Foreign Secretary or even remind people he once allegedly conspired to commit an act of violence or if we truthfully quoted his casual racist language, Ofsted would do to the BBC what Mr Johnson allegedly did to various ladies who were not his wife across a snooker table. So we will continue to describe Boris as ‘coulourful’ and leave it at that.
Mr Smythe added ‘On no account must we sacrifice impartiality for truthfulness. We must tell each side of the story, including that of Mr Farage. So no details about the funding of his new and deserving -of-exactly-equal-airtime Brexit Party. I mean if it ever got into any sort of power, that’s the end of the BBC. Which is something we would never say on air. Or let anyone else, say. And I apologise for any offence caused to Mr Farage, even though he is clearly even more of a c*nt than Boris. So basically we’re watching a battle between a c*nt and a bigger c*nt. But as a BBC Editor, I would never say that on the air, and neither would anybody else who values their job.’
Jacob Rees Mogg – Mr Johnson’s chief supporter, whose recent learned work on the Victorians was described as a ‘turkey’ by fellow right winger Simon Heffer was quick to remind people that Boris’s predecessors in politics also had ‘blemishes of character’ that didn’t impede their political effectiveness.
‘It’s well known that William Gladstone killed, cooked and ate a number of prostitutes at Number Ten Downing Street,’ explained Rees Mogg. ‘This didn’t inhibit his effectiveness as a great conservative reformer. And Lord Palmerston was probably responsible for the Great Fire of London and was almost certainly Jack, the Yorkshire Ripper. Yet he became the greatest political thinker since Margaret Thatcher’.