Following the outpouring of distress and grief from virtually every former parliamentary colleague of Theresa May, many of whom have been queuing up all weekend to tell television journalists that they, and indeed the wider party, “owe her a huge debt of gratitude” in the wake of the announcement she’s quitting as leader, have now sensationally decided to have her back.
One MP who wished to remain anonymous commented: ‘I actually thought that she had done a completely shit job to be honest. However it was only when I heard all the glowing and heartfelt tributes from colleagues that I realised that we had dropped a massive clanger and we needed Theresa back at the helm once more.’
Unconfirmed reports are also suggesting that serial opportunist, Boris Johnson, has made it known to close confidants that he is no longer ‘in the running’ for the job of leader, having re-evaluated Mrs May’s premiership and her Brexit performance in particular as ‘simply spiffing!’
Meanwhile a visibly puffy-eyed and battle-hardened Mark Francois, veteran of almost three or possibly even four TA role play scenarios, said: ‘When I saw Mrs May looking so distraught at the lectern today outside number ten, then do I say unto you that verily did I raise up mine eyes towards the firmament above and pleaded – forgive us Father, for we know not what we have done – and behold, for at that moment was I was sent a sign telling me she’d been such an amazing leader and that we really need to have her back in the driving seat once more.’