87% of Conservative Party members say they will stand for leader

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Over a hundred thousand Conservatives from round the country have now thrown their hats – and in two cases their cats – into the ring to be considered as Theresa May’s successor. One has been disqualified through throwing his ring into a hat. Candidates range from died in the wool patriots with moustaches and rose gardens, to ‘progressives’, many of whom actually know a lesbian person, or have met one without embarrassment.

They come from all round the country, but particularly Bromley, Guildford and some areas of Cheshire. It’s understood the selection process may take longer than first thought when it was just all Tory MP’s entering the race. Graham Brady of the 1922 Conservative Vintage Motoring Club said although this may delay Brexit by two years, the number of candidates coming forward represents ‘healthy stirrings in the Shires.’

Here are some examples of potential candidates, indicating the wide diversity of views likely to be put forward:

Mrs Josephine Symington from Godalming said she was moved to stand as leader when she was overwhelmed with disgust for Michael Heseltine’s hair, which she saw on television. She’s keen on conservative female values of ‘flower arranging, touch typing and the missionary position, where absolutely necessary.’

Sir George Smith from near Godalming said he was still working on his campaign leaflet which he would mimeograph in his smaller barn. But he’s a keen Brexiteer, he said: ‘mainly because I don’t like Dutch people. It’s queer, I know, but the further away from them we are, the more comfortable I feel and I suspect I’m not alone. And Belgians.’

Jasper Smithies from just outside Godalming said he wanted to be leader so he could debate with Boris Johnson. ‘I just like the fella, and a vigorous discussion on, let’s say corporal punishment in public schools but without any, you know unpleasant overtones, would be worth the joining fee and the cost of the rosettes. He’d probably spank my bottom, metaphorically of course but it would be worth it!’

Kent Smithers from Kent said he grew up in Godalming but made a fortune in land speculation in Kent, then moved there to be nearer his property. ‘I feel the values of low taxation; deregulation of the housing markets; a new, freer way of looking at fire regulations for blocks of flats and just less state intervention into where in the Caribbean I put my money, that’s what I want and so do many others like me’.

Sophie Smethurst from Bromley was entered into the leadership contest ‘as a joke, by old friends from school.’ She says now she’s a candidate she’s ‘quite thrilled’ and will be asking her mother for some suggestions about policies, and what the European Union does. ‘We go to Spain quite a lot as my father has some houses there, and it’s not too bad.’

Kent Smithers from Kent said ‘hallo it’s me again, could we just scrub out the comments I made supporting de-regulation of fire standards in blocks of flats? Possibly a bit of an error in the old tact department? It’s a legal thing really, you know. These lawyer chaps – many of them not at all from Godalming but north London if you get my drift – they charge a fortune but probably wise to be cautious. I didn’t say anything else…off colour, did I?’

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Posted: May 30th, 2019 by

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