The National Twattishness Council, a quango set up in 2002 to measure the means by which people with too much money and too few brain cells can be identified, has ruled that the white jeep is now the most perfectly indicative sign of a twat in Britain. It supersedes the hot tub with flashing LED lights, which had topped the charts for the previous five years.
‘We can safely disband the NTC now, our work is done,’ said longstanding council chairman Lord Tompkins of Hemel Hempstead. ‘There is no question in our minds that, whatever technology brings in the future, there can simply never be anything more completely symbolic of an utter cockwomble than ownership of a white jeep.’
‘Consider the evidence for a second. The original jeeps were general purpose army transport vehicles. That’s actually what the name means. They were meant to be tough, durable vehicles for off-road driving in all terrains. They are meant to get dirty, which is why they have the giant mudflaps and the camouflage colours.’
‘Now, however, pathetic dickweasels with unaccountably well-paid jobs are not only buying these gigantic leather-upholstered behemoths straight out of Dante’s vision of hell that will never see anywhere more rugged than the back streets of Cheltenham, they are also ostentatiously picking their tanks out in the colour most guaranteed to display the mud they won’t accumulate as they straddle two spaces at Waitrose car park for no better reason than to rile those unfortunate lesser idiots confined to mere Audis. Twats.’
However, a spokesman for The Only Way is Essex said: ‘So he thinks that’s the end of it? I’m afraid he doesn’t understand that twattishness is a zero-sum game that will escalate indefinitely. Someone will think of something worse soon. How about a 3D-printed, self-flying drone with an inbuilt cocktail bar that can carry you over all your neighbours’ gardens at 150 decibels straight to Karli’s Nail Bar on Romford High Street?’
‘Just a thought.’