Friends of teetotallers around the country have expressed no surprised after researchers confirmed that teetotal men are more likely to be boring bastards than men who can down a dozen pints on a night out.
Hardened drinker Tony Williams said: ‘Our mate Dave use to be the life and soul of the part. One night after a few too many vodies he stripped himself naked and ran down the high street. Actually it was more than once, it was kind of his party piece. He was a legend. But since becoming teetotal and drinking diet coke on nights out has he stripped naked? Has he fuck. Yet he insists he’s still having a good time.’
Alcohol researcher Richard Hughes said: ‘You hear the sentence, ‘I don’t need to drink alcohol to have a good time,’ pop up quite a lot, but I can confirm any man saying this is actually talking complete and utter bollocks.’